"I'm pissed that you got cancer!  You don't deserve that!"  Those were the words of one of my friends this week.  I have to admit I felt that way for a little bit. But the further I get into this, the more I understand that our trials are truly blessings in disguise!

This trial of cancer slapped me out of the trance I was in, it forced me to make a decision.  I could continue to trudge forward, taking life for granted, feeling like it was an obligation rather than a gift, and let nature take its course, or, I could sign up for the battle by getting treatment.  

The problem was, I'm not afraid of death. I have absolute confidence that after death I will be in a perfect place that is far beyond my greatest imaginings, and at this point in my life, that place seems extremely inviting!  

So why fight?  It didn't make sense to prolong life, at great physical and financial expense, if life was just an obligation.  The only way I could justify getting treatment was if I could see life as the treasure God designed it to be!

Kathy Mattea sang a song in the 80's,” Standing Knee Deep in a River and Dying of Thirst.”  The main chorus follows.

          They roll by just like water, and I guess we never learn.

          we go through life, parched and empty,

          standin' knee deep in a river, and dying of thirst...

My experience of life is that many of us are standing knee deep in what we long for the most, and we don’t even know it's there.  Maybe it isn't wrapped up quite like what we thought it would be, so we don't recognize it. And all the time it's just sitting there waiting for us to notice.

I realize now that the thing I wasn't noticing was that love is all around me.  But because of some extremely difficult rejections, my eyes were closed to the love that remained.  So, as I stood at the cross-roads trying to decide what to do, my eyes began to open to those around me, who love me, not out of obligation, but out of an overflow of their own love of God. It wasn't a love I had to earn, it wasn't a love I had to fear losing. It was simply love for love's sake! I was standing knee-deep in it and didn't know it was there all because it was wrapped in packages I didn't recognize.

So, my dear friend, don't be angry! My world needed shaking so that I could truly see. This trial helps me know more fully God's mercy and grace, and His love for me.  I can't imagine a more perfect way to get my attention, than to have me stand where I was, evaluate, and make a decision.  

Without this trial, my eyes may never have been opened to the beauty surrounding me.  And because this isn't something I can overcome quickly, I will have the time I need to fully make the heart changes that need to be made.  I can say, truly our trials are blessings in disguise!

New Season

 Well, we are entering a new season of life! I was diagnosed with breast cancer on December 22. It seems like an unreal dream!  But this process continues, and yesterday I started chemo.   They gave me some strong anti-nausea drugs along with steroids before the chemo started and so far I feel fine!   My project this morning was to give myself a chemo cut in preparation for what's to come, and to document the blessings involved with this trail.  I hope this blog will help me keep my eyes focused where they need to be, in gratitude of the many blessings I have.  I also pray that it might bless someone else who may be going through their own trials!

The picture below is phase 1. The chemo cut. There is a lot about this cancer I can't control, but I can control this... for now..so I'm going to have a little fun with my hair!

I think most people who know me well would not say that I have too many control issues. But maybe I have control issues over myself,  thinking I should be able to control all things Cinda.   Maybe this cancer is revealing areas in my life that I need to deal with.  This cancer is something beyond my control! That may be the hardest part of it right now.  There's not much I can count on .. I don't know if I'll be able to keep working, appointments with the oncologist 3 hrs. away keep popping up, I'm afraid to eat because of the possibility of nausea. The list could go on. But I am thankful that even when I'm not in control I know who is. I know that "God is a disruptor a false peace, He is the developer of dynamic character, and He is an ever present deliverer."  I am thankful to the Lord for the work he's doing in my life, even when I don't fully understand or when I can't control the things around me...I know Who is truly in control and I can rest in that!